Thursday, February 5, 2009

DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!


Caleb Emerson’s “Die You Zombie Bastards!”(2005) is an insane gem of a B horror movie. Here's a word of warning...do not take this movie too seriously. You must keep your tongue firmly planted in cheek. If you are one of those that take your horror too seriously you had best look elsewhere. This movie is not for you. But if you are one of those like me that love your B-Movies and you miss the good old days of the 1960's and early '70's when they made'em raw and fun and they didn't give a darn about who was going to be offended, then “Die You Zombie Bastards!“ is for you!

Let's see.....how do I even begin to describe this one? It is like watching a movie made by Herschell Gordon Lewis, John Waters, Ted Mikels, and Russ Meyer all at the same time. It starts out with the legendary, one-of-a-kind country singer Hasil Adkins playing as himself sitting outside of his trailer, introducing the movie. He is preparing us for a strange tale, a very strange tale indeed. It seems that there are some unusual things going on at a place called Hell Island. The story centers around our heroes: Red Toole, your typical run-of-the-mill mild-mannered cannibalistic serial killer, and Violet, his sex-crazed human flesh-hungry wife. He loves to bring parts of his victims home so they can eat them and have wild sex. They love each other, and something is bound to come in their way, to try to pull them apart.

Enter our nemesis, the mysterious hooded Baron Nefarious, a mad scientist gone awry. He too is sex-crazed and he has a mission: to make the entire world an army of zombies that do his bidding...and he has a zombie ray to do it! Right now he just has a gun that shoots the ray, but his zombies on Hell Island are working on a machine that will soon zap the entire world! Nefarious needs lots of bizarre sex (there is almost too much juvenile sex humor in this movie and way too many penis site gags) so he kidnaps three hot blonds to become his sex toys and zaps them into zombiedom so they will do his bidding. So he has three green zombiefied sex slaves that run around in nothing but go-go boots and a g-string. He has it made, right?

Wrong. He needs a wife. Some one with a libido to match his, someone to be his partner in crime. So Nefarious is watching a hillbilly version of The Newlywed Game and he sees our loving couple on there. After the show is over the camera is still rolling and Violet is so worked up from all the whoopie talk that she attacks the game show host and begins to eat him alive! Nefarious wants her so off to Hell Island she goes.

Of course this doesn't bode well with her husband. He dons a skin-tight red super hero suit fashionably accessorised with a chest plate, penis, and cape all made from genuine human flesh! Find her he will. So begins Red Toole's maddening, sometimes irritating, always dada-esque quest to find Nefarious, destroy the zombie army, and get his wife back.

I can't tell you anymore about what happens next because that is the charm of the movie....what will they think of next? It will keep you guessing...you're in for one thrill-packed, exhilarating, cartoonish, wild ride of a movie!

Well what are you waiting for?



2 comments:

artofhaig said...

Thank you, Steve Smith. Glad you enjoyed it.

Zombastically,

HAIG DEMARJIAN
www.dieyouzombiebastards.com

Steve Smith said...

You are welcome. Thanks for dropping by.